Family chosing sides

My heart is truly hurt. My dad's family is willing to see my dad for the holidays and not my mom.

A couple days ago my mom called my Aunt and set up a day that we could go see her family and my grandma. A day after we set it up my mom got an E-mail from her saying that they didn't not feel comfortable with having her up but if Bug (my son) really wanted to see the girls (her daughters (my cousins)) then I should ask about going up with Scott. I will not do that. Since my dad left he has only talked to me twice and has only seen Bug once. I have had to figure out ways to comfort Bug. He has had multiple melt downs, outburst of rage/frustration/ hurt because he is unable to fully explain how he feels and long periods of crying. These used to happen every day, some days multiple times (one so bad that he had to visit me at work after he calmed down because he was so upset.) I can not (nor do I want to) have him spend a day with Scott, for he will just go back to square one. It is to stressful for me, it is to hard on him and its not what is best for Bug.

I thought my family would be there for Bug and for me. I guess I was wrong. It is sad that the family pushed my mom away. In doing so they have also pushed me and Bug away. Bug doesn't have that much family. I guess I truly know who our family is though now because of this.

My Grandpa is being there more then anyone else. He is flying in from California for a little over the week. This is a great blessing because of when he is coming. I was so worried about what I was going to do about school conference time because I have longer hours. My grandpa is coming during that time and so I know he will watch Bug for me. I hope that this visit will help Bug out a lot.

I am so thankful for Sister Nye who is willing to help out and be there and watch Bug when I need a babysitter. I am thankful for those members in the church who know what is going on. Yes they don't talk to me about it and yes they don't come up and ask me how I am doing but I don't want that. They have noticed that I just need to be there, that I just want to act like nothing has changed. It is extremely hard to deal with but I know if someone tries to be really nice and sweet then I am sure I will completely fall apart.

This is all my dad's doing and not my moms, my brothers or mine. If his decision makes it so Bug has even a smaller family because they are not willing to spend time with my mom then that is how it is. What is best for Bug is for family to support him and not be there supporting Scott. They have made it clear which side they are choosing. It hurts me a lot, but I am the one that has to watch out for Bugs well being and his best interest and if that means that I have to say our schedules just don't work out with theirs that is what I am going to have to do. I just hope what family he does have would supports us. I know he wont come out of it unharmed. I just hope that it will be as little as possible.

Divorce

Even though I am an adult and living on my own this has been a big blow in my life.All of this has caused me much stress along with other things happening at my jobs. It has made me gain weight back that I have lost because I am stress eating and not paying attention to what I am eating or how much. I am also choosing to eat things I know I should not eat. Even eating out more then I have the money for or should while trying to gain control of my weight.

A quick blow to every thing I know has happened to me is greatly affecting me.

• My dad moved out and physically separating from my mom. 
• He moved into another families house. 
• Then even after he said the money would stay the same he took his paycheck and put it into an account my mom has no access too.
• Then the biggest blow of all, he filed for divorce. My mom found out Oct 16th. 

Yes I do believe this should of happened a long time ago but it doesn't make it any easier. He took vows to "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part..."

What does this truly mean in this age though?
( "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part...")
It seems to hold very little meaning to most. Non Latterday Saint marriages say in the vows that the marriage last till death and then they are not married.This is because they have not been sealed together by the power of God. Only Latterday Saints believe that marriage last for all eternity if both Man and Wife follow the laws of God and keep their Commandments. How hard is it as a non member to believe that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with wont be spent together for this life and for all eternity. I can not imagine not wanting to be Forever Married to the man I could decide to spend my life with on earth The man who I would grant the responsibility in helping me raise my son.

Yet so many do just marry for this life. Then so many take this vow and for one reason or another they break it and break even this little vow till death in their marriage. It seems like more and more people are getting divorced.

How does it affect grandchildren that see this happen to their grandparents?
My son and I havent really talked much about it. I told him Grandpa moved and he wasnt living at the house anymore. His first reaction was "But I wanted to watch Papa's system" (A box that hooked into many tv shoes and cartoons my son had been able to watch) Another reaction later on was crying. He only knows how to voice his feelings in what he is now no longer able to do. He has had multiple melt downs. the longest one lasting 45 minuets starting by not wanting to listen and then crying. My mom had to bring him into my job so he could get a hug.

He told an honorary Uncle "Papa left just like my dad." We have never talked about Bug's father. He has never even seen his father. Yet he correlated this. I worry about how this will affect him. He sees that two men in his life have walked out on him. With what my father has chosen, it really looks like he is walking out on all of us and it has already been proven that he wont see Bug as much.

Trying my best to Protect my Son.
I decided when I found out my dad was physically leaving my mom that I would be setting up rules on how it was going to be with my son. Tuesday night my mom was able to give my father the agreement that I wanted signed so I knew my father understood my ground rules. Non of these rules where unreasonable or unvalidated in wanting him to understand and follow. In a way my mom and brother follow all these rules in the way they are affected by them.Basically the rules in a nut shell all roll into that he is unable to take him anywhere that this other family is. My son should not be placed in front of him the opportunity to try and figure out why they can make him happy and what made him unhappy at home. The other thing is having to ask for permission to take him places. This in retrospect should not even have to be said. My dad in the past has taken Bug somewhere and not told the whole truth about why he was taking him to the place. Because of this and some other things my dad has done I can't trust him not to take Bug somewhere I wish him not to be.

These rules aren't something I did not do in spite of my dad. When I heard he was moving out and saw it happening, these rules where the first thing that came to my mind. I truly do think that these where placed in my heart by the Holy Spirit. My son comes first if that means I have to figure out babysitters for Saturdays and it means he barely sees his grandfather then that is how it is going to be. My sons well being comes first and I will not let him be placed in the middle.


I am not asking for people to say that my choice is right or wrong. Because I know my dad I believe it is right, my mother also agrees with my rules. I have to look out for Bug and and not others feelings. I just want support in how I desire to raise my son.

Edge of a Cliff

We had Relief Society enrichment night in Feb about visiting teaching. We talked about why it was important and Sister P. said something along the lines of...

"It is important to get to know our Sisters we Visit Teach because we never know what they are going through. We see those people that are always there and think of them as the reliable ones, but we never know if they are actually on the edge of a huge cliff about to fall.'

 

 

This is so true. I cant count the times I have been on the edge of a cliff and no one has noticed. If we don't know the sisters in our wards then we cant see when they need our help.

Its not up to just the sisters to notice though. When we ourselves are hanging on the edge of the cliff we have to be willing to let others know and to let others help. This is truly one of the hardest things to do. I have been a wall flower a lot of the time. Hiding how I am doing, how I am feeling and what I want. This is because in the past I had friends that never cared and said I shouldn't complain when I really needed help. I still struggle to ask for help and to except help when it is offered.

Stressed

I have come to realize something. At the end of summer I started working on losing weight. I was able to drop about 18 lbs. School started and disaster hit. I have gone back up about 10 lbs because of stress due to the kids at beating me up, the evil lunch lady who is just making things difficult to make thinks difficult for me because she doesn't like me, and my dad leaving my mom. Stress right now is not making this struggle to lose weight any easier. I need to lose weight because it could help my eye vision, may help restore my vision. With everything I have stopped tracking what I am eating and watching what I am eating. I know this is why I have gained. At times I so wish I could scream at people, but that probably would not help my stress levels. I am again having trouble falling asleep and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I always thought this was because of another issue I have but I just live with. At times it flairs up so I think its also affected by high stress I go through. I am tired but I cant get my brain to slow down so then I cant fall asleep. I am so tired that when I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am not sure how to remedy all this. Its hard sometimes to even function. Last night I didn't want to do things so I put of doing Bug's homework with him and watched a TV show instead. that meant because of repertory that he wasn't able to start his homework till after 7:30. I had decided to go get food and we had to wait for it. We did his homework while waiting for our food to take home and eat. meaning we didn't eat till about after 8. This in itself is unhealthy to eat so late, but also makes things harder for him to get his work done. A handful of times this year I have done homework so late in the night that Bug has fallen asleep before finishing it and he had to finish it in the morning. Stress can mess up a lot. I am hoping that I can figure this out and work on learning to work around the stress and decreasing it.

Betrayal

I have a bad feeling that hard times are coming. Bug does not have a father in his life. He has never asked about not having a dad which is interesting. Now though a male figure in is life is walking away. My dad is leaving my mom. He is moving in with another family. Bug does not know and I have no idea how to tell him. My dad has gone to anything this family invites him to, Family trips, games, etc for a couple of years. (an Emotional affair) He is now no longer going to any of Bug's games. this will somehow change the whole extended  family dynamic and who knows how at this point. My dad still has not told me and if he tells Bug he will be in so much trouble. I also am going to have to figure out all the ground rules that will be in place because of this. There will be rules and if they are not followed I might have to cut the ties which could be devastating to Bug but it may have to be done for the best choice for him even if he does not understand. I just worry how this will affect Bug having a male figure walk out like this on him. I also at this point do not want to have Bug influenced in any way by this family who my dad is choosing over us. I know for sure that my dad will not be allowed to take Bug to this house or to even go out and meet these people some where else. Bug is to have NO contact with them. I just hope the Brothers of the church will be enough male influence in my sons life.

Struggles

The Bishop pulled me aside at the beginning of the year to talk to me about tithing. I haven't really paid tithing since my first year(well not even a year since  was baptized n September) of being a member. The thing was it wasn't truly about paying my tithing. He wants me to pay tithing so I can have the blessings of doing so. (ex. going to the temple, receiving my endowment etc.). I know it was also about me getting to singles activities. He wants me to be ready and out there to find someone to be sealed too. He also wants me to work on genealogy. His vision was for m to go with the youth on their temple trip in may for baptisms and he feels that if I have my own names that it would mean more to me. He also mentioned me getting my endowments sometime. It feels like he wants me to be all prepared so that if someone comes into our lives that, well I guess that everything can just happen. When we had our meeting and had talked about some of this ^ and he found out that I have not even done baptisms for the dead he asked me what had been keeping me from going. I told him that I didn't know why, but that's not totally true. I am pretty sure I know the reasons that have kept me from going and getting my recommend

•  I don't feel worthy ~I have this problem with lots of things, I just don't feel like I am good enough, that I deserve things.
• going ~ I don't know what to expect and I haven't gone for I know not what I will do with Bug.
• Reminder ~ going o the temple would be amazing I have wanted to go but the biggest thing is going is a heavy reminder of what I am unable to do. I can't be sealed to Bug, So going would just push in my fave more the ordinances that I am unable to do, the one ordinance I desperately wish I could do. It hurts not being able to be sealed to Bug. It hurts more of I think it would to be able to do the ordinances in the temple that I can but not being able to be sealed to Bug and then end up never being able to be. It just scared me.

So thus I have been sabotaging myself.

I sabotage myself in other ways too. I don't ask for help. if someone asked what I need I say nothing. If I am asked if I am okay, I say yes even though I am not. I am scared to do or say otherwise for if I ask for help I am weak unable to do it for myself. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, but I know no other way, for it has become habit. So many things have become habit that I wish weren't.

I want to be rescued. I know I wont be in that way for I am damaged goods. Why would someone want me? No one has even showed an interest in me since that guy at work did, and he wasnt really though. For if he was he would of called me back after that first call asking if I could go on a date. I think he wanted something other then to get to know me. That was almost I think 6 yrs.

I need to be a good homemaker. I am not even an okay one. I need to be a good mom. I struggle for Bug is a constant reminder of my past choices. I have patience but after work where I need a lot of it, it dwindles a lot for Bug, thus my patience seems shot. I need to do more with teaching him, but with not feeling I know how and with my other struggles I know I am not fulfilling this duty in my life.

Crazy Conference

What a long day. Dentist at 7:50 and then had to rush after Bug and I had our appointment to my moms to drop him off then rush off to work. (Which I originally was suppose to be there at 8 but got it OK-ed to get there at 9 (work though "dinner break") but ended up not getting to school till like 9:20). At work for 9 hrs today still have a little over an hr and we are bored stiff. Usually we have a pile of stuff to get done but the teacher didn't set up anything for us to do. We searched through boxes, drawers and cubbies for parts to a gate, yet we still cant find the parts. We also put curtains up, searched websites that are kids could do and bleached toys and some other objects, and yet we are tired and wish to go home. It is kinda silly as an assistant to have to be at work during conference when there really isn't much to do. We aren't even able to sit in on the conferences (per teachers preference). We are the ones that are with the students the must, we are with them for all but 45 minuets of there school day. The teacher is away from them for an hr and a half each day. We see things that they don't and yet we cant be in on a conference or any other meeting that pertains to the student, yes it seems odd, and actually we are legally suppose to be at these meetings because we are working with the student. Oh well if anyone gets in trouble it will be the teacher not us because we are only doing what she is telling us to do. Under appreciated assistants, yet we do all the dirty jobs, most the grunt work and we end up getting hurt more often.

Still have an hr. AHHH can't go home till 7 and have to be here 3 more hrs tomorrow.. YIPPIE!!!! not

My un-Fairy Tale Life

I am not the best mother or Latterday Saint woman. I struggle with many things. I do not do the things I should be doing. I know what those things are, I even kinda know how to get those things done, but they never seem to get done, for I seem not to find the will, strength or determination.

I want a fairy tale. The wonderful man that can support and leave nothing to want, who holds the priesthood, a great dad, the one that will be there, the one that will be sealed to me and Bug. The big house with lots of rooms, which is always clean and everything has its place. The car. the friendships, respect, even being noticed. The time to do great family activities and to do studies to grow closer to Heavenly Father.

I am not saying my life is horrible, but its not even close to a fairy tale. I have no guy, only thing that supports Bug and me is ME. I have a house it could be considered big for two people, but its not even close to being clean or having a place for everything. I have a car, it works and so far has been reliable, but its not what I really want. I dont have friends. I am not respected, I am barely noticed.

At times I wish things would be different. Some guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. I would get lost in his eyes, (like Sookie got lost in Bills eyes, or Bella in Edwards.) I want that passion in my life. I dont see it ever happening. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough to really even be noticed in such a way. I am unable to go to singles activities because I am either working or those times I am not working I dont go for Bug would not be welcome and I have no babysitter. I truly doubt my family would babysit so I could go to a church outing.

Clint would just tell me to get out there, make some friends, meet people. But how can I even attempt to do so when I dont have a life? With working two jobs, having Bug in gymnastics, violin and ice skating, I dont have many times I dont have work or Bugs activities. I only have Tues, Thurs, and Sun nights and Saturday mornings that I have nothing. I don't even get to take him to gymnastics, ice skating and violin lessons. I've only been able to take him to one group violin lesson. I feel so stretched thin that when I do have time all I want to do is curl up and be a hermit.. away from everything, I have not the energy or desire to be social. The fear of what people think, how people see me is overwhelming. So many things are unattainable for me.

{picture from fairytalebuzz.com All She Needs}

One always wonders why things happen, we do not always have the perspective we need to understand things because we are to close to the situation. When this happens we question why things are happening to us.

A Package Deal?

When you haven't dated for about 6 1/2 years and haven't even hung out with a guy for over 5 years you really start to doubt that you will ever be able to find someone to love you. you can be afraid that you will get hurt. When you have a child you then worry that if you try and open yourself to another that your child will end up getting hurt. It is hard to even try and look for someone when you feel that you don't deserve these blessings. It is also hard to understand how another guy will be okay taking care of a child that is not his own, especially when the biological father has never had anything to do with his child and seems to have no desire to even see him. I know there are guys out there that are okay with having that responsibility. I have seen so, but that doesn't give me the confidence that I will find someone. It's also hard to find think I will find someone for I feel like I am damaged goods, not worthy of such blessings. I know I should not feel this way, but I struggle with it. My son is a daily reminder of the bad choices I made. I am not saying I regret having him or the choice to keep him. It's just a reminder, I guess a good one for I will not make the same mistake again. Its just sometimes makes one wonder if choices where made differently what would it be like.

I haven't found anyone but maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe it has to do with athat I really don't love myself or that I need to learn some homemaking skills. Maybe I wont find someone till I learn to love myself and feel that I am able to do the duties I need to. I hust might not be ready, I still need to grow. It could alsobe as simple as that I am not suppose to find someone in this life. Maybe this bessing is not for this life for me but for the next. My knight in shiniing armor maybe no where to be found for the time is not yet, but in the spirit world.

Judging a book

Tonight at work I was reminded how judgemental some people can be. It is sometimes difficult to work with an individual at work now. This person has offended me by putting some judgement on what I believe. I guess its not really her kinda smashing my faith but the fact that she is judging people she doesn't even know.

First: We have eco lab guys come and check are dishwasher and such items. they came one night and when they left I said I knew one of the guys from church. This coworker said something to the affect that he looks like those guys that go around on their bikes trying to force people to join their church. (the missionaries only ride their bikes once a week). I said ya he is a member of that church and so am I and that guy is not one of those guys riding his bike around. those guys riding their bikes around are only about 19. She was like well guess its a complement that he looks so young. she didn't apologise for what she said, don't even think she realized she was rude in what she said.

Second: A young man from church applied to be a delivery driver at work. he wont get hired because it is company policy not to have a delivery driver under the age of 18. But he wrote something on his application that was funny to us. 'distance running - If car breaks down I can run the pizzas there.' I was covering a shift tonight and I found out today at church he had applied I told him that we can't have 16 year old delivery drivers, just so he would know not to be hopeful for a call back. Well I worked tonight and I wanted to see his application and I hadn't realized that he was the one that said he could delivery the pizzas by running. I was like oh I know this kid from church, I told him that one has to be 18 to drive. Well this coworker said something to the extent, oh he is guy because of how he walks. I said no he is not. I didn't want to get into it or anything so I just walked away. I am just so tired of her judging people though because of how she thinks the world runs.

Struggling with Life

I sit here writing a blog starting on paper for I am stuck outside at Bug's Swim lesson. I have no book to read so to not waste my time completely I have decided to try and write.

I have come to realize I have two Mental problems. I have know that I have had one of these for a handful of years. I had received help with it at one point for a couple of months. Now though I struggle to deal with it alone, without help. some days are better then others, other times it seems so bad that its near impossible to function. I think its also causing my insomnia to be worse and that is why I have episodes of really bad insomnia. I think its also helping along my other mental problem. which isn't a horrible case of the mental problem, but I have now realize that I do have a problem with it. I can make list of to help correct the affects of the problem, but I think the first mental problem makes it so hard to even really tackle the list. I have list on list undone. I just wrote a list of 28 items, I've gotten 1 done, it was actually completed by Bug, he found the item not me. I just found a list of 26 items to be done that I wrote in March. I've only done 8 of the items off the list. I have decided to try and get 7 of the items done today.

I think these mental problems I have are affecting me socially too, I feel like I am very anti-social because I close myself off from people for I feel inadequate to actually have friends. I do not want to be judged or hurt because of the problems I have with myself.

Tears Over a Letter

A couple months ago I was mailing a letter in the mailbox downtown. I grabbed the letter and was about to mail it when my son asked me who the letter was for. I told him it was for Elder Jones. He wanted to send his love so he kissed the letter so it would make it to the Elder safe and fast. As I took it back and was about to put it into the mailbox he started crying. I asked him why he was crying. His response was that he missed this Elder so much and was worried that the Elder would never see him again. He said that the Elder and to come back to our church and that our church is where he belonged. It is weird to think that he cried over and Elder he knew for only about 12 weeks, still desperately missing him months later. This seems so weird to be for he doesn't cry over not seeing his great grandpa, who he adores. This young man made a huge impression on my son while he was here.