Stressed

I have come to realize something. At the end of summer I started working on losing weight. I was able to drop about 18 lbs. School started and disaster hit. I have gone back up about 10 lbs because of stress due to the kids at beating me up, the evil lunch lady who is just making things difficult to make thinks difficult for me because she doesn't like me, and my dad leaving my mom. Stress right now is not making this struggle to lose weight any easier. I need to lose weight because it could help my eye vision, may help restore my vision. With everything I have stopped tracking what I am eating and watching what I am eating. I know this is why I have gained. At times I so wish I could scream at people, but that probably would not help my stress levels. I am again having trouble falling asleep and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I always thought this was because of another issue I have but I just live with. At times it flairs up so I think its also affected by high stress I go through. I am tired but I cant get my brain to slow down so then I cant fall asleep. I am so tired that when I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am not sure how to remedy all this. Its hard sometimes to even function. Last night I didn't want to do things so I put of doing Bug's homework with him and watched a TV show instead. that meant because of repertory that he wasn't able to start his homework till after 7:30. I had decided to go get food and we had to wait for it. We did his homework while waiting for our food to take home and eat. meaning we didn't eat till about after 8. This in itself is unhealthy to eat so late, but also makes things harder for him to get his work done. A handful of times this year I have done homework so late in the night that Bug has fallen asleep before finishing it and he had to finish it in the morning. Stress can mess up a lot. I am hoping that I can figure this out and work on learning to work around the stress and decreasing it.

Betrayal

I have a bad feeling that hard times are coming. Bug does not have a father in his life. He has never asked about not having a dad which is interesting. Now though a male figure in is life is walking away. My dad is leaving my mom. He is moving in with another family. Bug does not know and I have no idea how to tell him. My dad has gone to anything this family invites him to, Family trips, games, etc for a couple of years. (an Emotional affair) He is now no longer going to any of Bug's games. this will somehow change the whole extended  family dynamic and who knows how at this point. My dad still has not told me and if he tells Bug he will be in so much trouble. I also am going to have to figure out all the ground rules that will be in place because of this. There will be rules and if they are not followed I might have to cut the ties which could be devastating to Bug but it may have to be done for the best choice for him even if he does not understand. I just worry how this will affect Bug having a male figure walk out like this on him. I also at this point do not want to have Bug influenced in any way by this family who my dad is choosing over us. I know for sure that my dad will not be allowed to take Bug to this house or to even go out and meet these people some where else. Bug is to have NO contact with them. I just hope the Brothers of the church will be enough male influence in my sons life.

Struggles

The Bishop pulled me aside at the beginning of the year to talk to me about tithing. I haven't really paid tithing since my first year(well not even a year since  was baptized n September) of being a member. The thing was it wasn't truly about paying my tithing. He wants me to pay tithing so I can have the blessings of doing so. (ex. going to the temple, receiving my endowment etc.). I know it was also about me getting to singles activities. He wants me to be ready and out there to find someone to be sealed too. He also wants me to work on genealogy. His vision was for m to go with the youth on their temple trip in may for baptisms and he feels that if I have my own names that it would mean more to me. He also mentioned me getting my endowments sometime. It feels like he wants me to be all prepared so that if someone comes into our lives that, well I guess that everything can just happen. When we had our meeting and had talked about some of this ^ and he found out that I have not even done baptisms for the dead he asked me what had been keeping me from going. I told him that I didn't know why, but that's not totally true. I am pretty sure I know the reasons that have kept me from going and getting my recommend

•  I don't feel worthy ~I have this problem with lots of things, I just don't feel like I am good enough, that I deserve things.
• going ~ I don't know what to expect and I haven't gone for I know not what I will do with Bug.
• Reminder ~ going o the temple would be amazing I have wanted to go but the biggest thing is going is a heavy reminder of what I am unable to do. I can't be sealed to Bug, So going would just push in my fave more the ordinances that I am unable to do, the one ordinance I desperately wish I could do. It hurts not being able to be sealed to Bug. It hurts more of I think it would to be able to do the ordinances in the temple that I can but not being able to be sealed to Bug and then end up never being able to be. It just scared me.

So thus I have been sabotaging myself.

I sabotage myself in other ways too. I don't ask for help. if someone asked what I need I say nothing. If I am asked if I am okay, I say yes even though I am not. I am scared to do or say otherwise for if I ask for help I am weak unable to do it for myself. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, but I know no other way, for it has become habit. So many things have become habit that I wish weren't.

I want to be rescued. I know I wont be in that way for I am damaged goods. Why would someone want me? No one has even showed an interest in me since that guy at work did, and he wasnt really though. For if he was he would of called me back after that first call asking if I could go on a date. I think he wanted something other then to get to know me. That was almost I think 6 yrs.

I need to be a good homemaker. I am not even an okay one. I need to be a good mom. I struggle for Bug is a constant reminder of my past choices. I have patience but after work where I need a lot of it, it dwindles a lot for Bug, thus my patience seems shot. I need to do more with teaching him, but with not feeling I know how and with my other struggles I know I am not fulfilling this duty in my life.

Crazy Conference

What a long day. Dentist at 7:50 and then had to rush after Bug and I had our appointment to my moms to drop him off then rush off to work. (Which I originally was suppose to be there at 8 but got it OK-ed to get there at 9 (work though "dinner break") but ended up not getting to school till like 9:20). At work for 9 hrs today still have a little over an hr and we are bored stiff. Usually we have a pile of stuff to get done but the teacher didn't set up anything for us to do. We searched through boxes, drawers and cubbies for parts to a gate, yet we still cant find the parts. We also put curtains up, searched websites that are kids could do and bleached toys and some other objects, and yet we are tired and wish to go home. It is kinda silly as an assistant to have to be at work during conference when there really isn't much to do. We aren't even able to sit in on the conferences (per teachers preference). We are the ones that are with the students the must, we are with them for all but 45 minuets of there school day. The teacher is away from them for an hr and a half each day. We see things that they don't and yet we cant be in on a conference or any other meeting that pertains to the student, yes it seems odd, and actually we are legally suppose to be at these meetings because we are working with the student. Oh well if anyone gets in trouble it will be the teacher not us because we are only doing what she is telling us to do. Under appreciated assistants, yet we do all the dirty jobs, most the grunt work and we end up getting hurt more often.

Still have an hr. AHHH can't go home till 7 and have to be here 3 more hrs tomorrow.. YIPPIE!!!! not

My un-Fairy Tale Life

I am not the best mother or Latterday Saint woman. I struggle with many things. I do not do the things I should be doing. I know what those things are, I even kinda know how to get those things done, but they never seem to get done, for I seem not to find the will, strength or determination.

I want a fairy tale. The wonderful man that can support and leave nothing to want, who holds the priesthood, a great dad, the one that will be there, the one that will be sealed to me and Bug. The big house with lots of rooms, which is always clean and everything has its place. The car. the friendships, respect, even being noticed. The time to do great family activities and to do studies to grow closer to Heavenly Father.

I am not saying my life is horrible, but its not even close to a fairy tale. I have no guy, only thing that supports Bug and me is ME. I have a house it could be considered big for two people, but its not even close to being clean or having a place for everything. I have a car, it works and so far has been reliable, but its not what I really want. I dont have friends. I am not respected, I am barely noticed.

At times I wish things would be different. Some guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. I would get lost in his eyes, (like Sookie got lost in Bills eyes, or Bella in Edwards.) I want that passion in my life. I dont see it ever happening. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough to really even be noticed in such a way. I am unable to go to singles activities because I am either working or those times I am not working I dont go for Bug would not be welcome and I have no babysitter. I truly doubt my family would babysit so I could go to a church outing.

Clint would just tell me to get out there, make some friends, meet people. But how can I even attempt to do so when I dont have a life? With working two jobs, having Bug in gymnastics, violin and ice skating, I dont have many times I dont have work or Bugs activities. I only have Tues, Thurs, and Sun nights and Saturday mornings that I have nothing. I don't even get to take him to gymnastics, ice skating and violin lessons. I've only been able to take him to one group violin lesson. I feel so stretched thin that when I do have time all I want to do is curl up and be a hermit.. away from everything, I have not the energy or desire to be social. The fear of what people think, how people see me is overwhelming. So many things are unattainable for me.

{picture from fairytalebuzz.com All She Needs}

One always wonders why things happen, we do not always have the perspective we need to understand things because we are to close to the situation. When this happens we question why things are happening to us.