03 March 2012


The Bishop pulled me aside at the beginning of the year to talk to me about tithing. I haven't really paid tithing since my first year(well not even a year since  was baptized n September) of being a member. The thing was it wasn't truly about paying my tithing. He wants me to pay tithing so I can have the blessings of doing so. (ex. going to the temple, receiving my endowment etc.). I know it was also about me getting to singles activities. He wants me to be ready and out there to find someone to be sealed too. He also wants me to work on genealogy. His vision was for m to go with the youth on their temple trip in may for baptisms and he feels that if I have my own names that it would mean more to me. He also mentioned me getting my endowments sometime. It feels like he wants me to be all prepared so that if someone comes into our lives that, well I guess that everything can just happen. When we had our meeting and had talked about some of this ^ and he found out that I have not even done baptisms for the dead he asked me what had been keeping me from going. I told him that I didn't know why, but that's not totally true. I am pretty sure I know the reasons that have kept me from going and getting my recommend

  •  I don't feel worthy ~I have this problem with lots of things, I just don't feel like I am good enough, that I deserve things.
  • going ~ I don't know what to expect and I haven't gone for I know not what I will do with Bug.
  • Reminder ~ going o the temple would be amazing I have wanted to go but the biggest thing is going is a heavy reminder of what I am unable to do. I can't be sealed to Bug, So going would just push in my fave more the ordinances that I am unable to do, the one ordinance I desperately wish I could do. It hurts not being able to be sealed to Bug. It hurts more of I think it would to be able to do the ordinances in the temple that I can but not being able to be sealed to Bug and then end up never being able to be. It just scared me.
So thus I have been sabotaging myself.

I sabotage myself in other ways too. I don't ask for help. if someone asked what I need I say nothing. If I am asked if I am okay, I say yes even though I am not. I am scared to do or say otherwise for if I ask for help I am weak unable to do it for myself. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, but I know no other way, for it has become habit. So many things have become habit that I wish weren't.