11 November 2012

Les Misérables

Les Misérables

I am so excited about this. I have never seen Les Misérables but I love the music I don't fully know the story but I am so excited to be able to fall in love with the story along with the music. I hope Anne Hathaway and Eddie Redmayne are as good as I hope they will be.

I dreamed a dream. How many of us dream a dream that will never come true. I know I have. I am sure I will keep dreaming dreams that will never be. Yet we will still keep dreaming.

06 November 2012

Family chosing sides

My heart is truly hurt. My dad's family is willing to see my dad for the holidays and not my mom.

A couple days ago my mom called my Aunt and set up a day that we could go see her family and my grandma. A day after we set it up my mom got an E-mail from her saying that they didn't not feel comfortable with having her up but if Bug (my son) really wanted to see the girls (her daughters (my cousins)) then I should ask about going up with Scott. I will not do that. Since my dad left he has only talked to me twice and has only seen Bug once. I have had to figure out ways to comfort Bug. He has had multiple melt downs, outburst of rage/frustration/ hurt because he is unable to fully explain how he feels and long periods of crying. These used to happen every day, some days multiple times (one so bad that he had to visit me at work after he calmed down because he was so upset.) I can not (nor do I want to) have him spend a day with Scott, for he will just go back to square one. It is to stressful for me, it is to hard on him and its not what is best for Bug.

I thought my family would be there for Bug and for me. I guess I was wrong. It is sad that the family pushed my mom away. In doing so they have also pushed me and Bug away. Bug doesn't have that much family. I guess I truly know who our family is though now because of this.

My Grandpa is being there more then anyone else. He is flying in from California for a little over the week. This is a great blessing because of when he is coming. I was so worried about what I was going to do about school conference time because I have longer hours. My grandpa is coming during that time and so I know he will watch Bug for me. I hope that this visit will help Bug out a lot.

I am so thankful for Sister Nye who is willing to help out and be there and watch Bug when I need a babysitter. I am thankful for those members in the church who know what is going on. Yes they don't talk to me about it and yes they don't come up and ask me how I am doing but I don't want that. They have noticed that I just need to be there, that I just want to act like nothing has changed. It is extremely hard to deal with but I know if someone tries to be really nice and sweet then I am sure I will completely fall apart.

This is all my dad's doing and not my moms, my brothers or mine. If his decision makes it so Bug has even a smaller family because they are not willing to spend time with my mom then that is how it is. What is best for Bug is for family to support him and not be there supporting Scott. They have made it clear which side they are choosing. It hurts me a lot, but I am the one that has to watch out for Bugs well being and his best interest and if that means that I have to say our schedules just don't work out with theirs that is what I am going to have to do. I just hope what family he does have would supports us. I know he wont come out of it unharmed. I just hope that it will be as little as possible.

03 November 2012

Prayer Train

I am unable to figure out how to add a word document. I had a train set up in a word document in black & white one sheet easy to print off.
I had to find the train again & use Paint to take away the color. I am unable to change the color of the words on the train but if you wish for it to be all black & white just set your printer to black & white.
I was also unable to figure out how to put the two pictures together or how to make the picture its full size when clicking on it. All you have to do is copy & paste the picture in a word document & set it up to the size you want (be it one page or even bigger & have each picture on a separate pages). Then print.

The kids can then color & decorate how they like & put it up in their room. It can be a great visual reminder of how to say a prayer so they can learn how to have their own personal prayers.

02 November 2012

A lesson on Prayer and Graditude

We had a lesson about Prayer on Sunday. It reminded me of a FHE lesson I had made up when a few of the sisters at Church decided to do a FHE lesson exchange. Sadly this didn't go as well as we had hopped and we haven't done it since. I did my part and made a lesson on Prayer.

In the lesson on Sunday we talked about that you can't always ask for things from Heavenly Father. The group was consistent in saying that we also need to tell Heavenly Father thanks for what we have. It was funny though. one said "you need to have four thank yous in your pray" another said, "you need to have more thank yous then things you are asking for." We are not told how many or what ratio we should have thank yous to asking for what we need. One also brought up it is okay not to have a thank you in every prayer if you are praying for someone to get better. Each kid has learned something slightly different at home about prayers but in reality they have all been taught the same, only difference is in the manor their parents have taught them about prayers. They all knew that you prayed to Heavenly Father in Jesus Christ name.

My Valiant 10 class also said that we need to be thankful for the blessings we received for if we are not we could lose those blessings or we could not gain any more blessings. I feel this is an important lesson. Sometimes in this busy world we forget to count our blessings. To actually see what we have been showered with. At times in our lives it can be hard to see the blessings but we need to search for them or to learn to recognize them. With everything going on in my life I think I kind of forgot this.

After Church I was just thinking and I realized Oh I am so thankful I was about to get off work for Trunk or Treat at Church to be able to take Bug. I am so thankful I was about to talk to D at work about Bug and how everything is effecting him. Being invited to a Halloween FHE so Bug can have fun and I am able to go. I am So thankful even though I didn't ask to have Halloween off my Manager gave the night off for me so I could take Bug Trick or Treating.

We also talked about we don't always get the answer to are prayer that we want. Heavenly Father knows best and sometimes the answer is not what we expect or what we want. He sees the big picture and even thou the answer we want would be a good choice its not always right in the moment or order of Heavenly Father's Will.  It's like a puzzle. We can be given pieces to our life and somehow they will fit together. We have to remember we don't have all those pieces be it that we are not ready or its not for where we are in our lives at that moment. If we don't have all the pieces how are we to know what the whole picture looks like? We can't and we won't. Heavenly Father is the one with the puzzle box with the picture on the cover. He knows the whole picture. He knows how each piece fits together. We need his guidance to put the pieces together. Sometimes a piece we have won't fit with what we have because the place isn't there to put it yet. That is why we need to follow Heavenly Father's Will. Eventually we will start to see parts of the picture because pieces will fit together. We won't understand or see the whole picture but if we continue to follow Heavenly Father's Will things will start becoming clearer to us.

Sunday I was having a rotten day. Saturday pretty much all day I kept saying to myself I don't want to go to Church tomorrow. To be honest I felt the same way on Sunday. I desperately didn't want to be there. I went and I realized that I had so many blessings hidden with the pain, stress, frustration and bad things. I am still struggling and yes I would rather be in bed or at home not having to deal with people. I am trying and yes I might of felt sorta invisible at the Halloween FHE on Monday but if I didn't go I would be hiding more and more in my shell and each day would get harder and harder.I am managing and I think realizing that there are little blessings popping up just like little buds pop up in the spring is the little help that Heavenly Father knows will help me even though it doesn't seem like enough in the present moment..

I hope that I can actually notice these little blessings and show Heavenly Father gratitude for the many things he has given me.I found some cute and practical lessons on gratitude and I hope to share them soon.

My Related Post on Prayer : 

My Prayer  
FHE - Prayer
Prayer Train

FHE - Prayer

"I can pray to Heavenly Father, and He will hear and answer my prayers."


Help family members develop a sincere desire to pray, and help them know that they will always receive an answer because Heavenly Father loves them.

Opening Song

"Sweet Hour of Prayer" (Hymns, no. 142).


Bishop H. Burke Peterson: "I want you to know that I know that whenever one of Heavenly Father's children kneels and talks to him, he listens. I know this as well as I know anything in this world—that Heavenly Father listens to every prayer from his children. I know our prayers ascend to heaven. No matter what we may have done wrong, he listens to us.
"I also believe he answers us. I don't believe he ignores his children when they talk to him." ("Prayer—Try Again," Ensign, June 1981, p. 73.)

Have someone in your family read aloud Matthew 7:11.
Q. What do you think this scripture means?
Now have the members of your family share their examples of when their prayers were answered.
Explain to your family that because Heavenly Father loves them he will always answer their prayers in the way that is best for them. Sometimes the answer will be yes; sometimes, no; sometimes, wait; and sometimes he will let us work it out ourselves. Explain that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us, and he will give us "good things" or the things that will help us the most, because he loves us.
Q. Have you ever felt that your prayers were not answered?
Explain to your family that sometimes we do not realize that Heavenly Father has answered our prayers, but later we see that he has given us an answer. Tell the story to illustrate (on following page)
Q. Have you ever prayed for something and not recognized the answer to your prayer until later?
Let the family members give examples.
Remind your family that Heavenly Father answers all their prayers and they can always trust him to know what is best for them (see D&C 88:64, D&C 112:10). 
Q. When, how, where, why do we pray?
 Have someone read aloud Alma 34:21, 26, 27
How to Pray: In Matthew 6:515, the Savior gave some directions and a model for prayer. Ask family members to suggest different ways people pray. Discuss how these ways fit with what the Savior taught. Discuss what language to use while praying, saying silent prayers, using memorized prayers or repetitious wordings, what we should and should not ask for in our prayers, and relying on the Spirit as we pray.

Brother Robinson had just moved his small family into their new cabin home near the forest where he worked. He was grateful for his daughter and his beautiful wife, who would soon have their second child.
The family knelt in prayer together one night around the dinner table. They thanked Heavenly Father for their blessings and asked for his protection.
As the family sat at the table together, they could hear the frightening sounds of the wind as it whistled through the trees in the nearby forest. Suddenly the wind uprooted a giant tree. Five different trees fell, one knocking down the other. One tree crashed through the roof of their small cabin, breaking the boards over their heads. One of the boards fell on Brother Robinson and cut his head.
Fortunately, no one was seriously injured, but Brother Robinson's family had to leave their home and return to live with relatives in the city for the winter. Brother Robinson had to leave them and return to the logging camp to continue working.
(Do you think the family's prayer was answered? )
Brother Robinson recalled his feelings at the time, "My home was in shambles, and I was separated from my family. I felt as if the Lord had not heard our prayers, and I wondered how he could have allowed this to happen to us."
Brother Robinson continued, "Later I realized how wrong I was in thinking that the Lord had not heard our prayers, for the snowstorms were so terrible that year that many families were snowed in all winter. We would have been left to ourselves with no help or supplies and no doctor to deliver the baby. I could have lost my wife or our new baby girl—or both! I realized then that the Lord had heard and answered our prayer for our protection."
(Explain that sometimes, like Brother Robinson, we do not recognize answers to our prayers because we do not see everything as clearly as our Heavenly Father does.)

Closing Song
 “A Prayer Song” (Children’s Song Book # 22)

As a family, memorize Doctrine and Covenants 10:5. Memorize a few words at a time and have each family member repeat them. Follow this by lining up and having each member of the family, in order, say the word that comes next until someone misses a word. Do this several times; by the end of the activity most of the family will remember the scripture very well.
For young children: color prayer train and talk about how to say a prayer, attach train to wall for a visual reminder
For older children: have them write down prayers and then listen to answers. When they receive the answer to their prayers they can write down the answer or that it was answered and then visually see that the Lord does answer prayers.
Other song choices:
"We bow our heads" (Children's Song Book pg. 25A)
"I pray in faith" (Children's Song Book pg. 14)

Other Ideas: 
  • Talk about prayer from the bible dictionary (under prayer) about talking to Heavenly Father because we are his literal children.
  •  Choose four children to help you with this activity.  Make a small train track from masking tape and for the children to stand on. The children represent a train. Give each of the children a part of prayer train; however, do not give it to them in order.  Give the first child the train, "We thank thee...", the second child, "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen", etc.  See if anyone can help you put this train in the right order.  As each child is asked to stand in their correct place, review the importance of the order of prayer.  Ask the children if they would ever go to their mom and start out a conversation by saying, "Because I want to mom!"  What would your mother say?  Probably, "What do you want?"  When we speak to our parents, we show respect; however, we show an even greater level of respect by following the steps of prayer.  
  • STORY: Let me tell you a story...it might sound familiar, but then again, it might not.
    A little steam engine had a long train of cars to pull.  She went along very well till she came to a steep hill. But then, no matter how hard she tried, she could not move the long train of cars.  She pulled and she pulled. She puffed and she puffed.
    Have you ever had a hard day and you huff and puff?? Do you ever just want to talk to someone about your day?  Let's see what happens...

    She backed and started off again. Choo! Choo!  But no! the cars would not go up the hill.  At last she left the train and started up the track alone. Do you think she had stopped working? No, indeed! She was going for help.
      "Surely I can find someone to help me ," she thought.
    Who could the Little Engine ask for help? Maybe a friend?
    Over the hill and up the track went the little steam engine. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo!
    Pretty soon she saw a big steam engine standing on a side track. He looked very big and strong. Running alongside, she looked up and said: "Will you help me over the hill with my train of cars? It is so long and heavy I can't get it over."  The big steam engine said he couldn't help.
    The Little Engine decides to ask another friend for help....do you think they'll be able to help her?

    She went on, Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!  Soon she came to a second big steam engine standing on a side track. He was puffing and puffing, as if he were tired.  "That big steam engine may help me," thought the little steam engine. She ran alongside and asked: "Will you help me bring my train of cars over the hill? It is so long and so heavy that I can't get it over."  The second big steam engine answered: "I have just come in from a long, long run. Don't you see how tired I am? Can't you get some other engine to help you this time?
    Instead of asking friends for help this time, the Little Engine decides to ask for help from Heavenly Father.  How do we speak to Heavenly Father?  (Through prayer).  Does Heavenly Father listen to everyone's prayers or just certain people?  (Everyone) Well then let's see what happens to Little Engine.
    After a while she said a little prayer.  She said, "Dear Heavenly Father..." (show picture of Train 1), "I thank thee (show picture of Train 2) for the strength thou hast given to me so far.  The journey is so long and so heavy I don't know if I can make it.  I ask thee (show picture of Train 3) to help me over the hill with my train of cars.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen (show picture of Train 4)."
    The little steam engine felt so happy inside.  She knew Heavenly Father was saying, "Yes, indeed!  I would love to help you...thank you for thinking of me!  But I need you to do your part...will you try?"
    "Yes, I'll do my best," said the little steam engine, and off she went. Choo, choo! Choo, choo! Choo, choo!  So the little steam engines started back to where the train of cars had been standing. Slowly the cars began to move. Slowly they climbed the steep hill. As they climbed, the little steam engine began to sing:  "I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can! I-think-I-can!  And together they did! Very soon they were over the hill and going down the other side.
    Now they were on the plain again; and the little steam engine could pull her train herself.
    The Little Engine knew that Heavenly Father had helped her through a tough situation, one she couldn't have done by herself.  What would be a good thing to do at this point?

    She offered a quick prayer of thanks.  She said, "Dear Heavenly Father..." (show picture of Train 1), "I thank thee for helping me when I didn't have the strength (show picture of Train 2).  I ask thee to continue to be with me (show picture of Train 3).  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen (show picture of Train 4)."  And she went merrily on her way, singing that together she knew-they-could, she knew-they-could, she knew-they-could, she knew-they-could.
    When we call upon Heavenly Father to help us, we become a team.  He asks us to do our part and He will do His. 

Peanut Butter Yummies
1 pkg. graham crackers, finely crushed
1 pound powdered sugar
2 cups peanut butter
1 cup butter, divided
1 cup your favorite jam
12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
Combine graham cracker crumbs, powdered sugar, peanut butter, and 2/3 cup butter by hand until blended. Press into an 8×8-inch square pan. Spread jam and crumb mixture. In small saucepan, combine remaining 1/3 cup butter and chocolate chips; heat until melted. Spread over jam. Refrigerate for 1 hour and serve in small piece. 

Other refreshment options:
TRAIN TREATS:  (Here are several possible edible train creations for refreshments). 

1.  Marshmallow Trains - Use pretzel sticks to hook the "cars" together and peanut butter to glue cheerios on as wheels and other features. 

2.  Graham Cracker Trains - Make these flat on a paper plate.  Use frosting to connect the sides and decorate. 

3.  Hostess Twinkie Trains - Attach cookie wheels (Oreos) with frosting. 

4.  Edible Train
(Click here to see picture): Make a delicious train out of cookies, snack cakes and other goodies! (Source: www.tosmagazine.com

01 November 2012

My Prayer

                                                 July 10th 2003
Oh my glorious Lord
Set me free
And let me be on fire for you
Do not let me to become passive
I do not want a passive faith
But a faith that is active
Open my eyes to you
Give me a heart to serve you
I want to grow in you
Lead me in the direction you wish me to go in
I wish to be your child
I ask for nothing more
I want your love to over flow me
And lead me on the path to you
I want to know you
I want to be your blessed child

26 October 2012

Holy Spirit Guides

So many things are happening and its making it so much harder on me. I had to give rules to my dad for the benefit of my son. Because I did so and because my dad is playing the martyr he is refusing to agree to my terms. He now is not allowed to babysit because he wont agree to me telling him he needs permission to take Bug anywhere. I honestly think that when I gave him these rules he saw his way out of babysitting. He has seemed to resent having to babysit on Saturdays. He said he would and now he is refusing. It feels like if he really loved Bug he would agree to my terms so he could see him. When he told me Saturday he didn't agree to the terms I couldn't even look at him and he refused to talk about it. Before telling me he came to Bugs Soccer game, the last one of the season. He took Bug out to lunch and had to take me because I wouldn't let him take Bug alone because I don't know what will happen. I don't trust him right now because of his past lies, his present lies and what I am sure he will have, future lies.

A handful of people do not agree with what I have decided. they say I need to let the relationship with my son and my dad stay the same and it can not. Others agree with me. I really truly believe this is right and what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. I don't want Bug growing up mad at the world. I have talked to a co-worker who I found out that his parents divorced right when he turned 7. He told me about how it affected him. I know its not Bugs parents divorcing but it still could and most likely with affect him in similar ways. Specially with Bug not having a father in his life. I don't even know how it is truly going to mess with him. He has no father and now it looks like he will have no grandfathers. When his great grandfather passes away its going to be devastating. He is unable to voice how he feels. I have no idea what he is fully going through for he does not understand how he is even feeling, let alone knows how to explain it. My co-worker was able to give insight on how a 7 year old could be affected by these changes. He believes my choice is also the right one. I except his understanding of it because he has lived it.  My son is in my best interest. Yes maybe its not what seems to be best for him RIGHT now, but in the BIG PICTURE it is.

Heavenly Father answers are prayers and even if the answer is not what we think it should be he knows best and we have to except his will. Even if it doesn't seem right for us at the time in the big picture it is. It always works out and it has to follow the path Heavenly Father has set us on for a reason even if we don't understand it at the time. Similar parents know best to because of the guidance that the Holy Spirit gives them for their family. I am head of my family and so My Lord will give me counsel in how to support and raise my son. I am following this counsel and will do so because I am a Daughter of God and he has given me the power of womanhood. This is my job and even though it is not easy I will follow his will.

21 October 2012


Even though I am an adult and living on my own this has been a big blow in my life.All of this has caused me much stress along with other things happening at my jobs. It has made me gain weight back that I have lost because I am stress eating and not paying attention to what I am eating or how much. I am also choosing to eat things I know I should not eat. Even eating out more then I have the money for or should while trying to gain control of my weight.

A quick blow to every thing I know has happened to me is greatly affecting me.
  • My dad moved out and physically separating from my mom. 
  • He moved into another families house. 
  • Then even after he said the money would stay the same he took his paycheck and put it into an account my mom has no access too.
  • Then the biggest blow of all, he filed for divorce. My mom found out Oct 16th. 
Yes I do believe this should of happened a long time ago but it doesn't make it any easier. He took vows to "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part..."

What does this truly mean in this age though?
( "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part...")
It seems to hold very little meaning to most. Non Latterday Saint marriages say in the vows that the marriage last till death and then they are not married.This is because they have not been sealed together by the power of God. Only Latterday Saints believe that marriage last for all eternity if both Man and Wife follow the laws of God and keep their Commandments. How hard is it as a non member to believe that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with wont be spent together for this life and for all eternity. I can not imagine not wanting to be Forever Married to the man I could decide to spend my life with on earth The man who I would grant the responsibility in helping me raise my son.

Yet so many do just marry for this life. Then so many take this vow and for one reason or another they break it and break even this little vow till death in their marriage. It seems like more and more people are getting divorced.

How does it affect grandchildren that see this happen to their grandparents?
My son and I havent really talked much about it. I told him Grandpa moved and he wasnt living at the house anymore. His first reaction was "But I wanted to watch Papa's system" (A box that hooked into many tv shoes and cartoons my son had been able to watch) Another reaction later on was crying. He only knows how to voice his feelings in what he is now no longer able to do. He has had multiple melt downs. the longest one lasting 45 minuets starting by not wanting to listen and then crying. My mom had to bring him into my job so he could get a hug.

He told an honorary Uncle "Papa left just like my dad." We have never talked about Bug's father. He has never even seen his father. Yet he correlated this. I worry about how this will affect him. He sees that two men in his life have walked out on him. With what my father has chosen, it really looks like he is walking out on all of us and it has already been proven that he wont see Bug as much.

Trying my best to Protect my Son.
I decided when I found out my dad was physically leaving my mom that I would be setting up rules on how it was going to be with my son. Tuesday night my mom was able to give my father the agreement that I wanted signed so I knew my father understood my ground rules. Non of these rules where unreasonable or unvalidated in wanting him to understand and follow. In a way my mom and brother follow all these rules in the way they are affected by them.Basically the rules in a nut shell all roll into that he is unable to take him anywhere that this other family is. My son should not be placed in front of him the opportunity to try and figure out why they can make him happy and what made him unhappy at home. The other thing is having to ask for permission to take him places. This in retrospect should not even have to be said. My dad in the past has taken Bug somewhere and not told the whole truth about why he was taking him to the place. Because of this and some other things my dad has done I can't trust him not to take Bug somewhere I wish him not to be.

These rules aren't something I did not do in spite of my dad. When I heard he was moving out and saw it happening, these rules where the first thing that came to my mind. I truly do think that these where placed in my heart by the Holy Spirit. My son comes first if that means I have to figure out babysitters for Saturdays and it means he barely sees his grandfather then that is how it is going to be. My sons well being comes first and I will not let him be placed in the middle.

I am not asking for people to say that my choice is right or wrong. Because I know my dad I believe it is right, my mother also agrees with my rules. I have to look out for Bug and and not others feelings. I just want support in how I desire to raise my son.

14 October 2012

Edge of a Cliff

We had Relief Society enrichment night in Feb about visiting teaching. We talked about why it was important and Sister P. said something along the lines of...

"It is important to get to know our Sisters we Visit Teach because we never know what they are going through. We see those people that are always there and think of them as the reliable ones, but we never know if they are actually on the edge of a huge cliff about to fall.'
This is so true. I cant count the times I have been on the edge of a cliff and no one has noticed. If we don't know the sisters in our wards then we cant see when they need our help.

Its not up to just the sisters to notice though. When we ourselves are hanging on the edge of the cliff we have to be willing to let others know and to let others help. This is truly one of the hardest things to do. I have been a wall flower a lot of the time. Hiding how I am doing, how I am feeling and what I want. This is because in the past I had friends that never cared and said I shouldn't complain when I really needed help. I still struggle to ask for help and to except help when it is offered.

12 October 2012


I have come to realize something. At the end of summer I started working on losing weight. I was able to drop about 18 lbs. School started and disaster hit. I have gone back up about 10 lbs because of stress due to the kids at beating me up, the evil lunch lady who is just making things difficult to make thinks difficult for me because she doesn't like me, and my dad leaving my mom. Stress right now is not making this struggle to lose weight any easier. I need to lose weight because it could help my eye vision, may help restore my vision. With everything I have stopped tracking what I am eating and watching what I am eating. I know this is why I have gained. At times I so wish I could scream at people, but that probably would not help my stress levels. I am again having trouble falling asleep and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I always thought this was because of another issue I have but I just live with. At times it flairs up so I think its also affected by high stress I go through. I am tired but I cant get my brain to slow down so then I cant fall asleep. I am so tired that when I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am not sure how to remedy all this. Its hard sometimes to even function. Last night I didn't want to do things so I put of doing Bug's homework with him and watched a TV show instead. that meant because of repertory that he wasn't able to start his homework till after 7:30. I had decided to go get food and we had to wait for it. We did his homework while waiting for our food to take home and eat. meaning we didn't eat till about after 8. This in itself is unhealthy to eat so late, but also makes things harder for him to get his work done. A handful of times this year I have done homework so late in the night that Bug has fallen asleep before finishing it and he had to finish it in the morning. Stress can mess up a lot. I am hoping that I can figure this out and work on learning to work around the stress and decreasing it.

29 September 2012


I have a bad feeling that hard times are coming. Bug does not have a father in his life. He has never asked about not having a dad which is interesting. Now though a male figure in is life is walking away. My dad is leaving my mom. He is moving in with another family. Bug does not know and I have no idea how to tell him. My dad has gone to anything this family invites him to, Family trips, games, etc for a couple of years. (an Emotional affair) He is now no longer going to any of Bug's games. this will somehow change the whole extended  family dynamic and who knows how at this point. My dad still has not told me and if he tells Bug he will be in so much trouble. I also am going to have to figure out all the ground rules that will be in place because of this. There will be rules and if they are not followed I might have to cut the ties which could be devastating to Bug but it may have to be done for the best choice for him even if he does not understand. I just worry how this will affect Bug having a male figure walk out like this on him. I also at this point do not want to have Bug influenced in any way by this family who my dad is choosing over us. I know for sure that my dad will not be allowed to take Bug to this house or to even go out and meet these people some where else. Bug is to have NO contact with them. I just hope the Brothers of the church will be enough male influence in my sons life.

03 March 2012


The Bishop pulled me aside at the beginning of the year to talk to me about tithing. I haven't really paid tithing since my first year(well not even a year since  was baptized n September) of being a member. The thing was it wasn't truly about paying my tithing. He wants me to pay tithing so I can have the blessings of doing so. (ex. going to the temple, receiving my endowment etc.). I know it was also about me getting to singles activities. He wants me to be ready and out there to find someone to be sealed too. He also wants me to work on genealogy. His vision was for m to go with the youth on their temple trip in may for baptisms and he feels that if I have my own names that it would mean more to me. He also mentioned me getting my endowments sometime. It feels like he wants me to be all prepared so that if someone comes into our lives that, well I guess that everything can just happen. When we had our meeting and had talked about some of this ^ and he found out that I have not even done baptisms for the dead he asked me what had been keeping me from going. I told him that I didn't know why, but that's not totally true. I am pretty sure I know the reasons that have kept me from going and getting my recommend

  •  I don't feel worthy ~I have this problem with lots of things, I just don't feel like I am good enough, that I deserve things.
  • going ~ I don't know what to expect and I haven't gone for I know not what I will do with Bug.
  • Reminder ~ going o the temple would be amazing I have wanted to go but the biggest thing is going is a heavy reminder of what I am unable to do. I can't be sealed to Bug, So going would just push in my fave more the ordinances that I am unable to do, the one ordinance I desperately wish I could do. It hurts not being able to be sealed to Bug. It hurts more of I think it would to be able to do the ordinances in the temple that I can but not being able to be sealed to Bug and then end up never being able to be. It just scared me.
So thus I have been sabotaging myself.

I sabotage myself in other ways too. I don't ask for help. if someone asked what I need I say nothing. If I am asked if I am okay, I say yes even though I am not. I am scared to do or say otherwise for if I ask for help I am weak unable to do it for myself. It has always been hard for me to ask for help, but I know no other way, for it has become habit. So many things have become habit that I wish weren't.

16 January 2012

I want to be rescued. I know I wont be in that way for I am damaged goods. Why would someone want me? No one has even showed an interest in me since that guy at work did, and he wasnt really though. For if he was he would of called me back after that first call asking if I could go on a date. I think he wanted something other then to get to know me. That was almost I think 6 yrs.

I need to be a good homemaker. I am not even an okay one. I need to be a good mom. I struggle for Bug is a constant reminder of my past choices. I have patience but after work where I need a lot of it, it dwindles a lot for Bug, thus my patience seems shot. I need to do more with teaching him, but with not feeling I know how and with my other struggles I know I am not fulfilling this duty in my life.