17 November 2011

Crazy Conference

What a long day. Dentist at 7:50 and then had to rush after Bug and I had our appointment to my moms to drop him off then rush off to work. (Which I originally was suppose to be there at 8 but got it OK-ed to get there at 9 (work though "dinner break") but ended up not getting to school till like 9:20). At work for 9 hrs today still have a little over an hr and we are bored stiff. Usually we have a pile of stuff to get done but the teacher didn't set up anything for us to do. We searched through boxes, drawers and cubbies for parts to a gate, yet we still cant find the parts. We also put curtains up, searched websites that are kids could do and bleached toys and some other objects, and yet we are tired and wish to go home. It is kinda silly as an assistant to have to be at work during conference when there really isn't much to do. We aren't even able to sit in on the conferences (per teachers preference). We are the ones that are with the students the must, we are with them for all but 45 minuets of there school day. The teacher is away from them for an hr and a half each day. We see things that they don't and yet we cant be in on a conference or any other meeting that pertains to the student, yes it seems odd, and actually we are legally suppose to be at these meetings because we are working with the student. Oh well if anyone gets in trouble it will be the teacher not us because we are only doing what she is telling us to do. Under appreciated assistants, yet we do all the dirty jobs, most the grunt work and we end up getting hurt more often.

Still have an hr. AHHH can't go home till 7 and have to be here 3 more hrs tomorrow.. YIPPIE!!!! not

01 November 2011

My un-Fairy Tale Life

I am not the best mother or Latterday Saint woman. I struggle with many things. I do not do the things I should be doing. I know what those things are, I even kinda know how to get those things done, but they never seem to get done, for I seem not to find the will, strength or determination.

I want a fairy tale. The wonderful man that can support and leave nothing to want, who holds the priesthood, a great dad, the one that will be there, the one that will be sealed to me and Bug. The big house with lots of rooms, which is always clean and everything has its place. The car. the friendships, respect, even being noticed. The time to do great family activities and to do studies to grow closer to Heavenly Father.

I am not saying my life is horrible, but its not even close to a fairy tale. I have no guy, only thing that supports Bug and me is ME. I have a house it could be considered big for two people, but its not even close to being clean or having a place for everything. I have a car, it works and so far has been reliable, but its not what I really want. I dont have friends. I am not respected, I am barely noticed.

At times I wish things would be different. Some guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. I would get lost in his eyes, (like Sookie got lost in Bills eyes, or Bella in Edwards.) I want that passion in my life. I dont see it ever happening. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough to really even be noticed in such a way. I am unable to go to singles activities because I am either working or those times I am not working I dont go for Bug would not be welcome and I have no babysitter. I truly doubt my family would babysit so I could go to a church outing.

Clint would just tell me to get out there, make some friends, meet people. But how can I even attempt to do so when I dont have a life? With working two jobs, having Bug in gymnastics, violin and ice skating, I dont have many times I dont have work or Bugs activities. I only have Tues, Thurs, and Sun nights and Saturday mornings that I have nothing. I don't even get to take him to gymnastics, ice skating and violin lessons. I've only been able to take him to one group violin lesson. I feel so stretched thin that when I do have time all I want to do is curl up and be a hermit.. away from everything, I have not the energy or desire to be social. The fear of what people think, how people see me is overwhelming. So many things are unattainable for me.

{picture from fairytalebuzz.com All She Needs}