26 October 2012

Holy Spirit Guides

So many things are happening and its making it so much harder on me. I had to give rules to my dad for the benefit of my son. Because I did so and because my dad is playing the martyr he is refusing to agree to my terms. He now is not allowed to babysit because he wont agree to me telling him he needs permission to take Bug anywhere. I honestly think that when I gave him these rules he saw his way out of babysitting. He has seemed to resent having to babysit on Saturdays. He said he would and now he is refusing. It feels like if he really loved Bug he would agree to my terms so he could see him. When he told me Saturday he didn't agree to the terms I couldn't even look at him and he refused to talk about it. Before telling me he came to Bugs Soccer game, the last one of the season. He took Bug out to lunch and had to take me because I wouldn't let him take Bug alone because I don't know what will happen. I don't trust him right now because of his past lies, his present lies and what I am sure he will have, future lies.

A handful of people do not agree with what I have decided. they say I need to let the relationship with my son and my dad stay the same and it can not. Others agree with me. I really truly believe this is right and what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. I don't want Bug growing up mad at the world. I have talked to a co-worker who I found out that his parents divorced right when he turned 7. He told me about how it affected him. I know its not Bugs parents divorcing but it still could and most likely with affect him in similar ways. Specially with Bug not having a father in his life. I don't even know how it is truly going to mess with him. He has no father and now it looks like he will have no grandfathers. When his great grandfather passes away its going to be devastating. He is unable to voice how he feels. I have no idea what he is fully going through for he does not understand how he is even feeling, let alone knows how to explain it. My co-worker was able to give insight on how a 7 year old could be affected by these changes. He believes my choice is also the right one. I except his understanding of it because he has lived it.  My son is in my best interest. Yes maybe its not what seems to be best for him RIGHT now, but in the BIG PICTURE it is.

Heavenly Father answers are prayers and even if the answer is not what we think it should be he knows best and we have to except his will. Even if it doesn't seem right for us at the time in the big picture it is. It always works out and it has to follow the path Heavenly Father has set us on for a reason even if we don't understand it at the time. Similar parents know best to because of the guidance that the Holy Spirit gives them for their family. I am head of my family and so My Lord will give me counsel in how to support and raise my son. I am following this counsel and will do so because I am a Daughter of God and he has given me the power of womanhood. This is my job and even though it is not easy I will follow his will.

21 October 2012


Even though I am an adult and living on my own this has been a big blow in my life.All of this has caused me much stress along with other things happening at my jobs. It has made me gain weight back that I have lost because I am stress eating and not paying attention to what I am eating or how much. I am also choosing to eat things I know I should not eat. Even eating out more then I have the money for or should while trying to gain control of my weight.

A quick blow to every thing I know has happened to me is greatly affecting me.
  • My dad moved out and physically separating from my mom. 
  • He moved into another families house. 
  • Then even after he said the money would stay the same he took his paycheck and put it into an account my mom has no access too.
  • Then the biggest blow of all, he filed for divorce. My mom found out Oct 16th. 
Yes I do believe this should of happened a long time ago but it doesn't make it any easier. He took vows to "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part..."

What does this truly mean in this age though?
( "Love And Cherish Till Death Do Us Part...")
It seems to hold very little meaning to most. Non Latterday Saint marriages say in the vows that the marriage last till death and then they are not married.This is because they have not been sealed together by the power of God. Only Latterday Saints believe that marriage last for all eternity if both Man and Wife follow the laws of God and keep their Commandments. How hard is it as a non member to believe that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with wont be spent together for this life and for all eternity. I can not imagine not wanting to be Forever Married to the man I could decide to spend my life with on earth The man who I would grant the responsibility in helping me raise my son.

Yet so many do just marry for this life. Then so many take this vow and for one reason or another they break it and break even this little vow till death in their marriage. It seems like more and more people are getting divorced.

How does it affect grandchildren that see this happen to their grandparents?
My son and I havent really talked much about it. I told him Grandpa moved and he wasnt living at the house anymore. His first reaction was "But I wanted to watch Papa's system" (A box that hooked into many tv shoes and cartoons my son had been able to watch) Another reaction later on was crying. He only knows how to voice his feelings in what he is now no longer able to do. He has had multiple melt downs. the longest one lasting 45 minuets starting by not wanting to listen and then crying. My mom had to bring him into my job so he could get a hug.

He told an honorary Uncle "Papa left just like my dad." We have never talked about Bug's father. He has never even seen his father. Yet he correlated this. I worry about how this will affect him. He sees that two men in his life have walked out on him. With what my father has chosen, it really looks like he is walking out on all of us and it has already been proven that he wont see Bug as much.

Trying my best to Protect my Son.
I decided when I found out my dad was physically leaving my mom that I would be setting up rules on how it was going to be with my son. Tuesday night my mom was able to give my father the agreement that I wanted signed so I knew my father understood my ground rules. Non of these rules where unreasonable or unvalidated in wanting him to understand and follow. In a way my mom and brother follow all these rules in the way they are affected by them.Basically the rules in a nut shell all roll into that he is unable to take him anywhere that this other family is. My son should not be placed in front of him the opportunity to try and figure out why they can make him happy and what made him unhappy at home. The other thing is having to ask for permission to take him places. This in retrospect should not even have to be said. My dad in the past has taken Bug somewhere and not told the whole truth about why he was taking him to the place. Because of this and some other things my dad has done I can't trust him not to take Bug somewhere I wish him not to be.

These rules aren't something I did not do in spite of my dad. When I heard he was moving out and saw it happening, these rules where the first thing that came to my mind. I truly do think that these where placed in my heart by the Holy Spirit. My son comes first if that means I have to figure out babysitters for Saturdays and it means he barely sees his grandfather then that is how it is going to be. My sons well being comes first and I will not let him be placed in the middle.

I am not asking for people to say that my choice is right or wrong. Because I know my dad I believe it is right, my mother also agrees with my rules. I have to look out for Bug and and not others feelings. I just want support in how I desire to raise my son.

14 October 2012

Edge of a Cliff

We had Relief Society enrichment night in Feb about visiting teaching. We talked about why it was important and Sister P. said something along the lines of...

"It is important to get to know our Sisters we Visit Teach because we never know what they are going through. We see those people that are always there and think of them as the reliable ones, but we never know if they are actually on the edge of a huge cliff about to fall.'
This is so true. I cant count the times I have been on the edge of a cliff and no one has noticed. If we don't know the sisters in our wards then we cant see when they need our help.

Its not up to just the sisters to notice though. When we ourselves are hanging on the edge of the cliff we have to be willing to let others know and to let others help. This is truly one of the hardest things to do. I have been a wall flower a lot of the time. Hiding how I am doing, how I am feeling and what I want. This is because in the past I had friends that never cared and said I shouldn't complain when I really needed help. I still struggle to ask for help and to except help when it is offered.

12 October 2012


I have come to realize something. At the end of summer I started working on losing weight. I was able to drop about 18 lbs. School started and disaster hit. I have gone back up about 10 lbs because of stress due to the kids at beating me up, the evil lunch lady who is just making things difficult to make thinks difficult for me because she doesn't like me, and my dad leaving my mom. Stress right now is not making this struggle to lose weight any easier. I need to lose weight because it could help my eye vision, may help restore my vision. With everything I have stopped tracking what I am eating and watching what I am eating. I know this is why I have gained. At times I so wish I could scream at people, but that probably would not help my stress levels. I am again having trouble falling asleep and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I always thought this was because of another issue I have but I just live with. At times it flairs up so I think its also affected by high stress I go through. I am tired but I cant get my brain to slow down so then I cant fall asleep. I am so tired that when I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up in the morning. I am not sure how to remedy all this. Its hard sometimes to even function. Last night I didn't want to do things so I put of doing Bug's homework with him and watched a TV show instead. that meant because of repertory that he wasn't able to start his homework till after 7:30. I had decided to go get food and we had to wait for it. We did his homework while waiting for our food to take home and eat. meaning we didn't eat till about after 8. This in itself is unhealthy to eat so late, but also makes things harder for him to get his work done. A handful of times this year I have done homework so late in the night that Bug has fallen asleep before finishing it and he had to finish it in the morning. Stress can mess up a lot. I am hoping that I can figure this out and work on learning to work around the stress and decreasing it.