01 November 2011

My un-Fairy Tale Life

I am not the best mother or Latterday Saint woman. I struggle with many things. I do not do the things I should be doing. I know what those things are, I even kinda know how to get those things done, but they never seem to get done, for I seem not to find the will, strength or determination.

I want a fairy tale. The wonderful man that can support and leave nothing to want, who holds the priesthood, a great dad, the one that will be there, the one that will be sealed to me and Bug. The big house with lots of rooms, which is always clean and everything has its place. The car. the friendships, respect, even being noticed. The time to do great family activities and to do studies to grow closer to Heavenly Father.

I am not saying my life is horrible, but its not even close to a fairy tale. I have no guy, only thing that supports Bug and me is ME. I have a house it could be considered big for two people, but its not even close to being clean or having a place for everything. I have a car, it works and so far has been reliable, but its not what I really want. I dont have friends. I am not respected, I am barely noticed.

At times I wish things would be different. Some guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. I would get lost in his eyes, (like Sookie got lost in Bills eyes, or Bella in Edwards.) I want that passion in my life. I dont see it ever happening. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough to really even be noticed in such a way. I am unable to go to singles activities because I am either working or those times I am not working I dont go for Bug would not be welcome and I have no babysitter. I truly doubt my family would babysit so I could go to a church outing.

Clint would just tell me to get out there, make some friends, meet people. But how can I even attempt to do so when I dont have a life? With working two jobs, having Bug in gymnastics, violin and ice skating, I dont have many times I dont have work or Bugs activities. I only have Tues, Thurs, and Sun nights and Saturday mornings that I have nothing. I don't even get to take him to gymnastics, ice skating and violin lessons. I've only been able to take him to one group violin lesson. I feel so stretched thin that when I do have time all I want to do is curl up and be a hermit.. away from everything, I have not the energy or desire to be social. The fear of what people think, how people see me is overwhelming. So many things are unattainable for me.

{picture from fairytalebuzz.com All She Needs}

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