Crazy Conference

What a long day. Dentist at 7:50 and then had to rush after Bug and I had our appointment to my moms to drop him off then rush off to work. (Which I originally was suppose to be there at 8 but got it OK-ed to get there at 9 (work though "dinner break") but ended up not getting to school till like 9:20). At work for 9 hrs today still have a little over an hr and we are bored stiff. Usually we have a pile of stuff to get done but the teacher didn't set up anything for us to do. We searched through boxes, drawers and cubbies for parts to a gate, yet we still cant find the parts. We also put curtains up, searched websites that are kids could do and bleached toys and some other objects, and yet we are tired and wish to go home. It is kinda silly as an assistant to have to be at work during conference when there really isn't much to do. We aren't even able to sit in on the conferences (per teachers preference). We are the ones that are with the students the must, we are with them for all but 45 minuets of there school day. The teacher is away from them for an hr and a half each day. We see things that they don't and yet we cant be in on a conference or any other meeting that pertains to the student, yes it seems odd, and actually we are legally suppose to be at these meetings because we are working with the student. Oh well if anyone gets in trouble it will be the teacher not us because we are only doing what she is telling us to do. Under appreciated assistants, yet we do all the dirty jobs, most the grunt work and we end up getting hurt more often.

Still have an hr. AHHH can't go home till 7 and have to be here 3 more hrs tomorrow.. YIPPIE!!!! not

My un-Fairy Tale Life

I am not the best mother or Latterday Saint woman. I struggle with many things. I do not do the things I should be doing. I know what those things are, I even kinda know how to get those things done, but they never seem to get done, for I seem not to find the will, strength or determination.

I want a fairy tale. The wonderful man that can support and leave nothing to want, who holds the priesthood, a great dad, the one that will be there, the one that will be sealed to me and Bug. The big house with lots of rooms, which is always clean and everything has its place. The car. the friendships, respect, even being noticed. The time to do great family activities and to do studies to grow closer to Heavenly Father.

I am not saying my life is horrible, but its not even close to a fairy tale. I have no guy, only thing that supports Bug and me is ME. I have a house it could be considered big for two people, but its not even close to being clean or having a place for everything. I have a car, it works and so far has been reliable, but its not what I really want. I dont have friends. I am not respected, I am barely noticed.

At times I wish things would be different. Some guy would come along and sweep me off my feet. I would get lost in his eyes, (like Sookie got lost in Bills eyes, or Bella in Edwards.) I want that passion in my life. I dont see it ever happening. I am not pretty enough, skinny enough to really even be noticed in such a way. I am unable to go to singles activities because I am either working or those times I am not working I dont go for Bug would not be welcome and I have no babysitter. I truly doubt my family would babysit so I could go to a church outing.

Clint would just tell me to get out there, make some friends, meet people. But how can I even attempt to do so when I dont have a life? With working two jobs, having Bug in gymnastics, violin and ice skating, I dont have many times I dont have work or Bugs activities. I only have Tues, Thurs, and Sun nights and Saturday mornings that I have nothing. I don't even get to take him to gymnastics, ice skating and violin lessons. I've only been able to take him to one group violin lesson. I feel so stretched thin that when I do have time all I want to do is curl up and be a hermit.. away from everything, I have not the energy or desire to be social. The fear of what people think, how people see me is overwhelming. So many things are unattainable for me.

{picture from fairytalebuzz.com All She Needs}

One always wonders why things happen, we do not always have the perspective we need to understand things because we are to close to the situation. When this happens we question why things are happening to us.

Screaming Pain

i try to help
speak words to give insight
to not only help someone else
but to give clarity to myself

then words are thrown to cripple me
intense pain overcomes all senses
tearing me to pieces
but i keep silent

i scream inside so no one can hear
no one knows my pain for i hide it deep inside
locked up so no one can judge
and they see not for they are consumed with themselves

the pain overcomes
more then one should endure
yet i live with it
day by day the screams of pain
are kept inside
behind a false smile
so no one will see
no one will know
my screaming pain

Without You

This song really seems to tell how I feel about someone who has touched my life. I just wish I could tell him so.



To the one who truly made me feel like a Daughter of Heavenly Father, The one that I felt I knew forever the first time I talked to him. The footprints you left are so deep, I will never stop loving you.

A New Journal

I love the idea of having a scripture journal, in years past I have written notes on lessons taught. There was once before I became a member that while I was reading the scriptures that I started writing down thoughts. I now have no idea where those notes are, they have to be someone in my house, nor do I know where the lesson notes are.

This year I again started taking notes in Sunday school class. This whole process started with me writing a poem with comments and ideas brought up in the lesson. I then learned about having a scripture journal. A sister from my ward posted on facebook a link of a blog about scripture journals. It was a wonderful post by the http://www.theredheadedhostess.com. She had posted about how she uses pictures in her scripture journal for she is a visual learner. I loved the idea, the next week after reading her blog I followed her example in my own way. I sat in Sunday school with my scriptures open, a small notebook and a pen. As the lesson progressed I was found scribbling notes along side a few pictures. It was a lesson that included the Good Shepard and the sheep. I can not draw so I had a stick person trying to look like a good Shepard and I drew a cloud with legs and a black sheep head. Though the weeks I haven't always drawn pictures but I have taken notes. I want to re-write them and organize them for the notes are all scattered on different pieces of paper in my scripture bag or in a half notebook. (my notes are hard to read for they can get so messy).

This is one of my many goals this year to accomplish. I may not do to well with it in independent scripture study but I plan on doing it though a Sunday school lesson scripture journal to start. I would love to start now with getting it all organized but I think it will have to wait till my vacation is over. Still need to find things for the trip. Hopefully when school starts again I will be able to have a place devoted to scripture study so I can accomplish this goal.

A Package Deal?

When you haven't dated for about 6 1/2 years and haven't even hung out with a guy for over 5 years you really start to doubt that you will ever be able to find someone to love you. you can be afraid that you will get hurt. When you have a child you then worry that if you try and open yourself to another that your child will end up getting hurt. It is hard to even try and look for someone when you feel that you don't deserve these blessings. It is also hard to understand how another guy will be okay taking care of a child that is not his own, especially when the biological father has never had anything to do with his child and seems to have no desire to even see him. I know there are guys out there that are okay with having that responsibility. I have seen so, but that doesn't give me the confidence that I will find someone. It's also hard to find think I will find someone for I feel like I am damaged goods, not worthy of such blessings. I know I should not feel this way, but I struggle with it. My son is a daily reminder of the bad choices I made. I am not saying I regret having him or the choice to keep him. It's just a reminder, I guess a good one for I will not make the same mistake again. Its just sometimes makes one wonder if choices where made differently what would it be like.

I haven't found anyone but maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe it has to do with athat I really don't love myself or that I need to learn some homemaking skills. Maybe I wont find someone till I learn to love myself and feel that I am able to do the duties I need to. I hust might not be ready, I still need to grow. It could alsobe as simple as that I am not suppose to find someone in this life. Maybe this bessing is not for this life for me but for the next. My knight in shiniing armor maybe no where to be found for the time is not yet, but in the spirit world.

Judging a book

Tonight at work I was reminded how judgemental some people can be. It is sometimes difficult to work with an individual at work now. This person has offended me by putting some judgement on what I believe. I guess its not really her kinda smashing my faith but the fact that she is judging people she doesn't even know.

First: We have eco lab guys come and check are dishwasher and such items. they came one night and when they left I said I knew one of the guys from church. This coworker said something to the affect that he looks like those guys that go around on their bikes trying to force people to join their church. (the missionaries only ride their bikes once a week). I said ya he is a member of that church and so am I and that guy is not one of those guys riding his bike around. those guys riding their bikes around are only about 19. She was like well guess its a complement that he looks so young. she didn't apologise for what she said, don't even think she realized she was rude in what she said.

Second: A young man from church applied to be a delivery driver at work. he wont get hired because it is company policy not to have a delivery driver under the age of 18. But he wrote something on his application that was funny to us. 'distance running - If car breaks down I can run the pizzas there.' I was covering a shift tonight and I found out today at church he had applied I told him that we can't have 16 year old delivery drivers, just so he would know not to be hopeful for a call back. Well I worked tonight and I wanted to see his application and I hadn't realized that he was the one that said he could delivery the pizzas by running. I was like oh I know this kid from church, I told him that one has to be 18 to drive. Well this coworker said something to the extent, oh he is guy because of how he walks. I said no he is not. I didn't want to get into it or anything so I just walked away. I am just so tired of her judging people though because of how she thinks the world runs.

Struggling with Life

I sit here writing a blog starting on paper for I am stuck outside at Bug's Swim lesson. I have no book to read so to not waste my time completely I have decided to try and write.

I have come to realize I have two Mental problems. I have know that I have had one of these for a handful of years. I had received help with it at one point for a couple of months. Now though I struggle to deal with it alone, without help. some days are better then others, other times it seems so bad that its near impossible to function. I think its also causing my insomnia to be worse and that is why I have episodes of really bad insomnia. I think its also helping along my other mental problem. which isn't a horrible case of the mental problem, but I have now realize that I do have a problem with it. I can make list of to help correct the affects of the problem, but I think the first mental problem makes it so hard to even really tackle the list. I have list on list undone. I just wrote a list of 28 items, I've gotten 1 done, it was actually completed by Bug, he found the item not me. I just found a list of 26 items to be done that I wrote in March. I've only done 8 of the items off the list. I have decided to try and get 7 of the items done today.

I think these mental problems I have are affecting me socially too, I feel like I am very anti-social because I close myself off from people for I feel inadequate to actually have friends. I do not want to be judged or hurt because of the problems I have with myself.

Path to Repentance

The World has condemned me for my sins

For the poor choices I have made

Leaving me feeling alone

Feeling unworthy, unloved

Satan feeds on such acts

Illuminating such sins for others to see

Leading to gossip

To dashed hopes, dreams

Building the Shades of Gray

Trapping us to go to the dark path

Small steps leading us in the wrong direction

Till we are lost, buried

I am not perfect

Heavenly Father has shown a path

It we repent and turn from our sins

Leading us to have peace, joy

If we follow his path

We will have the truth set us free

Leading us back home to open loving arms
Taking us away from sin, despair



(Wrote today while in Sunday School Class (Lesson 15) from thoughts shared and talked about..)

secret

My heart is broken

My joy gone

How do I get it back

What can I do

I wish i could tell him how I feel

How my heart aches for him

Even though I know I am not good enough

Do not measure up

I have tried to forget

Trying to move on

But my thoughts return

Stronger then before

I will always love you

Even if that love will not be returned

For you will always be in my heart

Being unable to be forgotten



(poem I found in a notebook Believe to be written sometime in March '11)